22 May 2012

Church Dating Profiles

Many people don't know just where they fit in the Christian world. Should I be a Baptist, a Lutheran, a Roman Catholic? How can I tell? Well, look no further. I've hit upon a way to help you find the church you truly belong to by making dating profiles for various denominations. I hope this makes your ultimate choice easier.

1. Southern Baptist

"I love pop music, cheesy t-shirts, and gimmicky trinkets. I don’t like drinking, smoking, or Harry Potter. But I also have an intellectual side. I really wish my life were more exciting like a disaster movie, and if my version of the end-times is true, it will be."

2. Non-Denominational

"I’m pretty much just like Baptist, but I have a tattoo and a studded bracelet. And I love donuts and coffee."

3. Presbyterian

"I’m the smart, nerdy chick. Many guys tell me I'm cute, but I know what they’re thinking because I believe in total depravity. Also I have incredibly demanding standards and often have a bad temper. You’d better know the right things to say around me."

4. Methodist


5. Pentecostal/Charismatic

"I’m wild and spontaneous. Don’t expect to find me in the library with Presbyterian; rational thought is so boring! Dating me is like dating Bjork; it’s crazy and fun, although you won’t be able to understand what I’m saying half the time. "

6. Lutheran

"I’m very down to earth and traditional. I believe in three sacraments: Baptism, the Lord’s Supper, and Coffee. I love singing, potlucks, and Garrison Keillor. And my brother Olaf says I make some mean blood sausages. Don’t expect me to do anything to ever to draw attention to myself."

7. Greek Orthodox

"I am a mystery. I wear lots of perfume, like gaudy pictures, and haven’t changed a bit for the last 20 years. That’s right, I act exactly the same as I did when I was 5 years old! Also, RC is such a poser! Baklava!"

8. Roman Catholic

"I’m more rationalistic than GO. I also wear lots of perfume, but have slightly better aesthetic taste. (Well, at least I used to. Lately I’ve been all about guitars and folk music.) I also haven’t changed for 20 years, but the way I talk about myself has changed. Also, GO is such a poser! "

9. Anglican

"Sometimes I really want to be like RC, and sometimes I want to be like Presbyterian. I just can’t decide who I am. I like to hear singing at church, but I hate to sing. Though I like dressing up, on the inside I’m pretty casual. I love Barbara Pym, floral prints, and tea. Nice tepid tea."

8 comments:

Mom said...

Did you do this for your sister's birthday?

Erica said...

MYSTERIOUS BAKLAVA! (it's mysterious because cranky Greek ladies made it)

Also I watched your cryptic video. You're strange. XD

Rick said...

Did you translate the binary at the end? :)

Rose said...

lol--'I'm pretty much just like Baptist, but I have a tattoo and a studded bracelet. And I love donuts and coffee.'

Lauren said...

Presbyterian - the smart nerdy chick. Still laughing over that one... :D

Erica said...

@Rick: No I didn't translate the binary yet. Didn't feel like writing it down then going to the binary translator lol.

Erica said...

Slender Man took away your latest blog. Tell him to stop doing that.

Mom said...

I was wondering what happened to that blog. Poor dad....did'nt get to see it.